Can't Keep Up!

So many things are changing. It's hard to keep up with it all! Aaron is crawling (see video at the very end), standing (as you can see)

This is how I found out)...

Up...

Up...

Up...

There!

climbing, attacking! He's like a different child now. His personality is really beginning to come out. He is such a sweet boy. He definitely lets us know when he does not like something. He has a growling squeak of an argument (if you can imagine that?) when he has decided that this is NOT something he approves of. Examples of such things include but are not limited to: changing diapers, changing outfits, leaving him in the play yard for over 10 minutes alone, green foods (sometimes), and neglecting to pay attention to him if too long has passed. He is quite a character! He LOVES his doggie, Dakota.

He has also experienced his first (of many I'm sure) trip to the park swings! He LOVED!

He also loved the blanket that was meant to keep him from germs, and became a chew toy... too much time observing his pal Dakota I think.

On a very different note, I am feeling more and more like myself again (insert sigh of relief). There are bad days still, but there are good days now too... and they're getting more frequent! Also, Joey and I have discovered that we can come to expect a rough bedtime or nap time whenever Aaron is experiencing a big developmental milestone. I read it in a book (The Wonder Weeks) and it's really proving to be true. It doesn't always seem so, but it helps in some way to understand why and when things will not be as smooth.

Well, that's all for now. This happy little guy is sure keeping us on our toes! We are in the process of implementing bi-weekly date night (set in STONE). Stay tuned!

Breathing In...

There is a song from Downhere called Breathing In. I tried to post it, but alas I am just not the tech savvy! I my mind relates to the lyrics of songs a lot.

The song goes:

"As I wander the streets of gold
Talk to all the friends I've known
We'll go adore the Master King,
Then only then I'll be breathing in."

and later:
"Only peace, no disease, no more rain, no more pain,
No more tears, no more fear,
Breathing in."

I agree. Then, only then, I'll be breathing in. But right now I feel like I am at least taking a breath. I don't know if my hormones are leveling out or if the Lord is healing me, but I finally feel myself coming back. I am able to stop my mind from exploring to far into the "what if" relhem. I am able to abide in the moment again.

Don't get me wrong I still have a way to go to get back to where I was, I can feel that much. But I see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I know it sounds crazy, but I really was not sure I would ever come back. I know that having a child changes your life, but I thought that meant for the better.

Aaron is not at fault here. He is a miracle: the perfect child for Joey and I. But somewhere in the process of becoming a mother, I lost the ability to be a wife, friend, daughter, sister, self... I lost me. I became this crazy person that I didn't like. I've seen her before, this nut job, but again, I am NOT a fan. She worries about what everyone thinks, and worries about every conceivable (and inconceivable) possibility. She doesn't like herself and is VERY hard to live with. She's super emotional, angry, and judgmental. She is not someone I want to be.

I read books, I scoured the internet, I thought, I tried, I strived, I prayed (not enough), I tried medication... nothing worked. I did everything I knew how to do, and that was not easy since I really just wanted to lay in bed every day. I had so much guilt! If I left Aaron alone for a second, even to go the bathroom, I felt like a bad mom. I was so distracted with trying to be good at everything that I stopped really enjoying it. From the moment he entered the world I tried so hard to live in the moment and enjoy him, that even THAT became a source of guilt when I wasn't doing it "right". Man! What a mess I am.

I am letting my son cry to sleep again this week. I gave up on it between Boston and the desire to keep my little man little and sweet and untainted by tears of "abandonment" (so I told myself). I am that mom I said I would never be. Not because of the strategy I am using, but because I have been so INCONSISTENT. That is the one thing I hate in terms of parenting: inconsistency. I know as an early childhood professional, that almost ANYTHING will work with children if you just keep it up!

I tried SO hard to find something that meant he wouldn't have to cry, but I just couldn't get anything to really work. I am just WAY too tired. And you know what? Now that I can breathe I realize that I am okay with that (on some level). I know that my child is going to be fine by the grace of God. He knows that I love him, and I do LOVE him. He knows that he is safe. He is going to be just fine. I'm not going to feel guilty and I am glad I didn't get pressured into doing this when I was not ready to. But now, Joey and I are ready. Sleep is goooooood!

I am really enjoy the relationships that I have here in this world, but this place is not my home. No matter how clean my house, no matter how on top of the chores I am, no matter how much money we make, or how great our parenting, none of it is going to matter. So I am going to focus on what matters. Peace. Love. Jesus.

Lord help me to breathe.

Beautiful Memories

A few little beautiful memories of my life right now: Seen to the left is my lovely Sunday Pot Luck Dinner Group out bowling on a couples date night.

To the right you will find the two most handsome guys I know. I LOVE this picture. Daddy-Baby love is so sweet!

This is my little munchkins' new (but rare) sleep position... unfortunately I didn't know I still had the wrapping over my phone camera!

Much more clearly shown here you can see his more typical position of rest! I LOVE these random memories and thought I should share them with the blog world. More to come!

Milestones Thus Far

I want to make sure I can print my blog this year and have an account of all that our little man has accomplished and when.

He cut his first teeth, the bottom front, the left one on the day after Ari Leightman was born (July 27th) and the next day the right. We noticed the first tooth when Mr. Bill discovered a sharp spot when Aaron thrust Bill's finger into his mouth, Ouch! You can see them here in this picture with his good friend Cori Belle!

Aaron can sit up for long periods of time unassisted thanks to some words of advice from Julie, Danielle and Emily about helping him to practice. It only took about a week for him to get really steady (though he does need help getting up into the sitting position first). So he was about 5-5.5 months when he mastered that skill for the baby book sake. He also loves his Sophie Giraffe squeak toy!

On 7/20 Aaron ate melon for the first time, his first little taste of solid.

At his 6 month checkup yesterday he was 17.4 pounds (50th percentile for weight as usually) and 28.5 inches long (95th percentile for height! Maybe he will be taller than Daddy?). He screamed so loudly when he got his shots, even the nurse commented on his volume. He was only comforted by nursing and seeing those tears was so sad for Mama! He surely does not suffer in silence, he will let you know when something hurts him, which is actually a comfort to me: no guess work.

The past two nights Aaron has slept from 9:30pm through 8am with no waking in between at all. WONDERFUL!

Today he had his first fever 100.3 but being that he had shots yesterday, no one is too concerned. I know I am all over the place, but one of these days I have to break out the baby book and get this all down!

My in-laws are in town for the night. We went out to dinner at Red Lobster (one of my FAVORITE places) and then went to Home Depot (another FAVORITE) to pick up some bamboo fencing to add to our back chain link fence to keep Dakota from jumping it and neighbors from scoffing at us any longer. This is his sleepy-morning-face with Grandma Faith:

There is such a never ending to do list, I wonder if I will ever adapt to this Mommy-hood-stay-at-home life. My in-laws like to say that I am "retired" now... I would not call this retirement, more like slave labor with no union! Tonight as I folded laundry at 10pm I realized, "My job will never end will it? I still have not "clocked out" since 7am..." last I checked you can't treat employees that way! But you know what? Weather anyone acknowledges the work I am doing, I can truly say that I am working harder now than I ever have, and am also beginning to enjoy it more than any else I have done as well. I know I will not miss Aaron's first steps or anything else and in the end, those are the memories I will value more than the money I would make at a job right now.

Cry... Cry... Cry... Sleep!

I'll start with a purely happy account: Friday night while at the Leightman's home, we brought them dinner since they brought Baby Ari into the world, He started to, very clearly, say "bob" and "baba" in response to Joey moving his lips in that shape and pattern while he was changing his diaper. They both found it quite hysterical! I found it adorable. Then Aaron and Baby Ari took their first bath together! VERY cute experience!

On Thursday night, August 12th, Aaron slept in his bed all night for the very first time! I had no idea when I would feel ready to have him sleep there. Joey and I were perfectly content to have him beside us where we could hear him, see him, and just be near him. BUT, he had not been sleeping strait through the night for the past three weeks, and each of the two times a night that I nursed him between 10pm and 5 am, he went back to sleep in his crib this time. Friday night, Aaron's second night in his crib, we decided that we should try letting him cry for a little while before feeding him to make sure he was actually hungry. You see, before having kids, I thought for certain I would let them "cry it out." Then I met my son and we both just felt that this was not right for him. I never had any reason to feel that he should be allowed to cry as he has always being a champion sleeper and kid. He started sleeping 8 hours around 7-8 weeks old and was sleeping 6 hours at 6 weeks, 5 at 5 weeks, etc. He would go to bed with us at 10pm and wake up at around 6am to eat and go back to sleep till 8am. No problem there! We also LOVED having him sleep in our room. But once started to cut his first teeth (and possibly hit a simultaneous growth spurt) he began to wake up every 2-3 hours like a newborn! I was totally fine with this for a week or two, who says when you have kids that you will ALWAYS get 8 hours of sleep? They are kids, afterall, and learning. But after 3 weeks of this, sad to say, I simply could not function anymore during the days. My relationships (friendships, and even my marriage) were suffering, my personality was suffering, and Aaron was even suffering. He was not his chipper self and spent a lot of the day cat-napping and rubbing his eyes. Joey and I prayed about what we should do, but I didn't really feel good about any of the options. I feel judged or bad about myself as a parent either way. Bad that I am not the mom I could be when I am exhausted, and bad that my child would be left to cry alone and think God knows what about why we are not holding him.
So anyway, Friday night we let him cry, but Joey held him the whole time. He cried for 30 minutes and you could hear in his voice that he seemed to be very frustrated to have daddy holding him and not be nursed back to sleep as he has been for the past 3 weeks. After 30 minutes I nursed him and he was back to dreamland instantly (this was all at 12:22am after going to bed at 9pm (3hrs 22min of sleep). He then woke up at 5am, so I fed him right away (5am is 8 hours after 9pm, so OF COURSE he is allowed to eat then if he would like to).

Yesterday, Saturday, we fed him as much as we could all day. He nursed 7 or 8 times and ate 3 meals (cereal, green beans with bananas x 2). Then I put him to sleep at 8:15, nursing him like always, but he didn't fall asleep, he just played quietly in his crib until he started to cry. This was the crappy and VERY rough part. We had some friends over, so I decided (with Joey) that a good plan would be for me to pump and have Joey give him a bottle with some cereal in it. This way if he were still actually hungry he could have a nice thick meal to hold him over. Well by the time I finished pumping and was ready to pass the bottle to Joey, Aaron was asleep! This was MUCH faster and seemingly less aggravating for Aaron than the previous night when Joey held him while he cried. So the bottle went into the fridge. That night Aaron didn't wake up till 3:45 (much better than the last few weeks). So Joey and I prayed and let a little bit of time go by as we interceded for him before going into the room and waited to try and see if he was hungry of just stirring and trying to get comfortable maybe. Within 15 minutes he was fast asleep again by himself. He did not wake up until 6:15am!!! And not screaming either, just little fusses. I nursed him and he went right back to sleep. He slept on his belly all night too! Something he has NEVER done before.

Now I have to say: I do not regret not doing this "let the baby cry" thing sooner. Aaron didn't need it up till now, and even now only having done it two times I HATE it. This was NOT fun or easy or comfortable. I also do NOT feel totally confident in myself or this whole method. BUT it did work and Aaron still woke up all smiles and love yesterday morning and I expect he will do the same today. And I know that out of this process I am getting my sanity back to be a better mommy to Aaron today, wife to Joey today, and friend to everyone else!- Without medication, so that is a huge thing for us all.

Thank you Lord for our baby! PLEASE help us to make the right choices.

Professional Pictures and Progress

So Aaron is a good looking gorgeous boy! I think that every parent must think that of their child, so if I am wrong please don't tell me as I am perfectly content to think that I am right. He is getting so strong too! He can sit up and sit up from a reclined position using his ab muscles and his two teeth are gleaming in all their white glory! He is, however, not excelling in the sleeper arena right now. But who said a child is supposed to give you 8 hours of sleep? It's such a blessing when they do, but I think a part of what you sign up for when you become a parent is a lack of sleep for the next 18 years or so. I love my little man. He is just such a blessing. I love his little facial expressions, and boy has he become expressive. I love that he says "Mama" and not much else in terms of decipherable expressions!

I am finally getting into the swing of being at home (though this week and the next few are very out-of-the-ordinary). Today, for example, I was out ALL DAY. But I made sure I did chores early in the morning, and then finished up in record time this afternoon. Then when Joey got home I implemented our new strategy (as suggested by my therapist- oh boy, now I'm one of those crazy people who references their doctor) of 10 minutes of unwinding time for him when he gets home, before and during which I say little or nothing to him and let him go into the back room and do whatever. We set the timer and he was able to gain some much needed sanity before slipping on his Daddy shoes. Then we ate dinner and I headed out for my night out, during which I am visiting my neighborhood Starbucks, blogging, catching up on emails, reading a book (maybe), and then stopping at the Publix next door for some shopping by myself (never thought I'd value that so much!).

Another note- my "therapist" is going to help me tackle my anxiety! I didn't realize how much anxiety was getting to me until someone offered to help me get rid of it. I can't imagine a life where I don't worry about... well everything! I am so excited at the idea of a life without anxiety! Pray for me if you think of it please!

6 Months FLEW by!

I can't believe our first little one is 6 months old today! Time FLYS! Last night I had some nasty food poisoning and thank God for a husband who loves me and takes care of me and Aaron.

A close friend just had her second miscarriage this week (she does not have any children yet) and one of my best friend's newborn is being hospitalized for severe jaundice right now. It seems like a rough time for everyone!

When I look over at the little miracle sleeping beside me right now as he naps with Mommy I thank God that all of his little parts are working so perfectly! He has a tiny heart that beats, and tiny lungs that breath, and a brain that functions perfectly... I am so thankful for the blessings in our life. Health cannot be bought. I am so thankful that we are so blessed. Aaron can now sit up well on his own (though here he is sitting in his boppy).

He has been eating new foods- carrots and oatmeal so far.

He can splash in the pool and the tub, I'll have to capture that on
camera soon!

He reaches out for me when he wants me to hold him and says "Mama" when he's very upset and crying. He is getting ready to scoot any day now. He has two little teeth on the bottom in the very front (you cant even see them in this picture, but the gnawing counts as evidence!).

He is a WILD MAN in his walker (yes I know walkers are a no-no). It gives him access to things like dish towels...

and the dog access to things like Aaron!

Everywhere we go people comment on what a good boy he is and I am so proud and thankful to be his Mama. Thank you Lord for our boy.