Breathing In...

There is a song from Downhere called Breathing In. I tried to post it, but alas I am just not the tech savvy! I my mind relates to the lyrics of songs a lot.

The song goes:

"As I wander the streets of gold
Talk to all the friends I've known
We'll go adore the Master King,
Then only then I'll be breathing in."

and later:
"Only peace, no disease, no more rain, no more pain,
No more tears, no more fear,
Breathing in."

I agree. Then, only then, I'll be breathing in. But right now I feel like I am at least taking a breath. I don't know if my hormones are leveling out or if the Lord is healing me, but I finally feel myself coming back. I am able to stop my mind from exploring to far into the "what if" relhem. I am able to abide in the moment again.

Don't get me wrong I still have a way to go to get back to where I was, I can feel that much. But I see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I know it sounds crazy, but I really was not sure I would ever come back. I know that having a child changes your life, but I thought that meant for the better.

Aaron is not at fault here. He is a miracle: the perfect child for Joey and I. But somewhere in the process of becoming a mother, I lost the ability to be a wife, friend, daughter, sister, self... I lost me. I became this crazy person that I didn't like. I've seen her before, this nut job, but again, I am NOT a fan. She worries about what everyone thinks, and worries about every conceivable (and inconceivable) possibility. She doesn't like herself and is VERY hard to live with. She's super emotional, angry, and judgmental. She is not someone I want to be.

I read books, I scoured the internet, I thought, I tried, I strived, I prayed (not enough), I tried medication... nothing worked. I did everything I knew how to do, and that was not easy since I really just wanted to lay in bed every day. I had so much guilt! If I left Aaron alone for a second, even to go the bathroom, I felt like a bad mom. I was so distracted with trying to be good at everything that I stopped really enjoying it. From the moment he entered the world I tried so hard to live in the moment and enjoy him, that even THAT became a source of guilt when I wasn't doing it "right". Man! What a mess I am.

I am letting my son cry to sleep again this week. I gave up on it between Boston and the desire to keep my little man little and sweet and untainted by tears of "abandonment" (so I told myself). I am that mom I said I would never be. Not because of the strategy I am using, but because I have been so INCONSISTENT. That is the one thing I hate in terms of parenting: inconsistency. I know as an early childhood professional, that almost ANYTHING will work with children if you just keep it up!

I tried SO hard to find something that meant he wouldn't have to cry, but I just couldn't get anything to really work. I am just WAY too tired. And you know what? Now that I can breathe I realize that I am okay with that (on some level). I know that my child is going to be fine by the grace of God. He knows that I love him, and I do LOVE him. He knows that he is safe. He is going to be just fine. I'm not going to feel guilty and I am glad I didn't get pressured into doing this when I was not ready to. But now, Joey and I are ready. Sleep is goooooood!

I am really enjoy the relationships that I have here in this world, but this place is not my home. No matter how clean my house, no matter how on top of the chores I am, no matter how much money we make, or how great our parenting, none of it is going to matter. So I am going to focus on what matters. Peace. Love. Jesus.

Lord help me to breathe.